OH, CANADA!

Here is a comprehensive guide for anyone who is going to visit the Great White North. We are badass. 

1.   Our milk comes in liter bags. It also comes in jugs, but no one buys that shit.

2.   We have vinegar on our fries. It is delicious. You should try it.

3.   Our paper currency starts at 5$ bills. We have dollar coins called Loonies and two-dollar coins called Toonies. As I write this I can see how someone from another country would snigger at the names,

4.   To top it off, our paper money is multicoloured… kind of like Monopoly money.

5.   We have no issue wearing loads of clothes that have the Canadian flag on it. Or even just “Canada”. And we do not find this pompous.

6.   Tim Horton’s is the greatest coffee chain in all the land, We cannot survive without it. It is our fuel. It flows through out veins. P.S., it is named after a hockey player. So, ya,

7.   Double double is not something dirty (get your mind out of the gutter). It means a coffee with two cream, two sugar. It’s Canadian lingo.

8.   We talk about the weather, All. The. Time. Probably because it is totally erratic. It could be snowing and minus 10 (That’s Celsius, people. We are all about metric) in the morning and plus 10 and sunny in the afternoon.

9.   Also, majority of our year is cold as fffuuuccckkkk and for 2 months it is hot as hell.

10. Apparently it is odd that we give distance in terms of time instead of miles. Also, no Canadian talks in miles. We prefer Kilometers.

11. Hockey is the greatest sport ever. It is a religion to us. Do not call during a hockey game.

12. Our speed limits are measured in kilometers.

13. We can only buy booze in stores such as The Beer Store (pretty self explanatory) or LCBO. Not in the grocery store. We have to make an extra stop.

14. It is Zed, not Zee.

15. Yes, we say Eh and, no, we do not do in on purpose.

16. It’s Pop, not Soda.

17. A 2-4 is a 24 pack of beer. Also, our beer is better.

18. It’s a highway, not a freeway.

19. No, I do not know Joe from Nova Scotia.

20. A toque is a hat.

21. Majority of our news, whether it be paper, radio, or internet, is about hockey.

22. 25 degrees Celsius means it is hot as Satan’s balls, AND WE ARE GOING SWIMMING.

23. Our drinking age is 19… except in Quebec, where it is 18.

24. We all have an excessive amount of Canadian Tire money stashed all over our houses.

25. We will never, EVER accept the new Hockey Night In Canada theme song.

26. We don’t really give a shit about the summer Olympics.  

27. Any beer under 6% is child’s play.

28. Great Big Sea is the greatest party band ever,

29. Torontonians are not true Canadians. They are far too Americanized,

30. Also, Toronto is NOT THE CAPITAL OF CANADA.

31. Also, Toronto is NOT A PROVINCE.

32. Ps, we call our states provinces.

33. We also have territories up north, just to confuse you more.

34. No, I do not know Susan from Vancouver.

35. If you live anywhere close to Quebec, you can understand pretty much all French. And you can speak most of it… although you butcher it.

36. We have 4 seasons; winter, fall/construction season, summer/construction season, spring/construction season.

37. On that note, the closer you get to Quebec, the more bilingual the signs are. Ottawa is 10000% bilingual.

38. Our Smarties are delicious chocolate button in different colours, not sweet candies. I prefer to organize mine in piles of colours and then eat them from least to most favorite colour to most. Also, it is common knowledge you eat the red ones last.

39. Our national sport is Lacrosse, not hockey.

40. Although, hockey and basketball are Canadian, also.

41. Our football (commonly known as CFL) is LONGER, WIDER, FASTER. Aka our field is longer, wider and have one less down. Also, we have a lot less players on our team.

42. We wore flannel way before Seattle.

43. Beaver Tail’s are an Ottawa institution. Fired batter with cinnamon and sugar. Greatest. Thing. Ever.

44. Poutine is delicious cheese curd and gravy covered fries. OHM NOM NOM.

45. We do not have Black Friday.

46. We have had to trick-or-treat with a snowsuit under our Halloween costumes more than once.

47. Our garage doubles as a freezer in the winter.

48. For parties, we put booze in the snow banks. Infinite cooler!

49. We call napkins serviettes.

50. We spell it labour, honour and colour.

51. We wonder why there isn’t a $5 coin yet.

52. Coffee crisp is a coffee flavored chocolate bar.

53. We are incredibly picky about our maple syrup.

54. Tim Horton’s Roll Up The Rim is the most wonderful time of the year.

55. We don’t call it ice hockey.. just hockey.

56. Montreal is pronounced “muntreal”.

57. Toronto is pronounced “trawna”

58. Timbits are the middle of the doughnut. They sell them at Tim Horton’s.

59. Montreal smoked meat is unreal. Sooo good.

60. I know far too many Jeans from Quebec.

61. We have a Prime Minister, not a President.

62. We know who your President is. We actually learn about the rest of the world.

63. Christmas would be weird as hell if there was no snow.

64. We do not care if we look like the Michelin man. We have to wear arctic condition jackets and boots to survive minus 40 snow storms.

65. Fashion is thrown out the window in the winter. We have no issue wearing snow boots with dressy clothing.

66. Setting your keyboard accidentally to French and not noticing until you have typed LOADS.

67. We cannot wait to have a Timmies (a.k.a Tim Horton’s coffee) as soon as we are back in Canada.

68. We didn’t get our national flag until almost 100 years after we became a country.

69. We have our own Loch Ness Monster called the Ogopogo who lives in Lake Okanagan in British Columbia.

70. In 1943, Ottawa designated a hospital room Dutch land for one day so that a Dutch princess could be born in her native country. As thanks, the Netherlands sends us 1000 tulips every year.

71. George Street in St. John’s Newfoundland has more bars and pubs per square feet than any street in all of North America.

72. We have a secret maple syrup reserve. This is the truth.

73. Dildo, Newfoundland is a place. Seriously.

74. Our McDonald’s sells a McLobster… I wouldn’t recommend it.

75. Kiefer Sutherland’s grandpa brought our country universal health care. THANK YOU JACK BAUER’S GRANDAD!

76.  Ottawa is the capital of Canada and is the second coldest capital in the whole world.

77. There is really no such thing as Canadian cuisine. We have so much kick ass food from other countries. Try a shawarma. Best. Food, Ever.

78. Whenever we travel to another country, people are thrilled when they find out we are Canadian.

79. We will never understand American money. How do you tell your money apart?!?!?!?

80. We take great pride in the giant snow banks that accumulate on our streets. We hate it, but the bigger, the better.