Here
is a comprehensive guide for anyone who is going to visit the Great White
North. We are badass.
1. Our milk comes in liter
bags. It also comes in jugs, but no one buys that shit.
2. We have vinegar on our
fries. It is delicious. You should try it.
3. Our paper currency starts at
5$ bills. We have dollar coins called Loonies and two-dollar coins called
Toonies. As I write this I can see how someone from another country would
snigger at the names,
4. To top it off, our paper
money is multicoloured… kind of like Monopoly money.
5. We have no issue wearing
loads of clothes that have the Canadian flag on it. Or even just “Canada”. And we
do not find this pompous.
6. Tim Horton’s is the greatest
coffee chain in all the land, We cannot survive without it. It is our fuel. It
flows through out veins. P.S., it is named after a hockey player. So, ya,
7. Double double is not
something dirty (get your mind out of the gutter). It means a coffee with two
cream, two sugar. It’s Canadian lingo.
8. We talk about the weather,
All. The. Time. Probably because it is totally erratic. It could be snowing and
minus 10 (That’s Celsius, people. We are all about metric) in the morning and
plus 10 and sunny in the afternoon.
9. Also, majority of our year
is cold as fffuuuccckkkk and for 2 months it is hot as hell.
10. Apparently it is odd that we
give distance in terms of time instead of miles. Also, no Canadian talks in miles.
We prefer Kilometers.
11. Hockey is the greatest sport
ever. It is a religion to us. Do not call during a hockey game.
12. Our speed limits are
measured in kilometers.
13. We can only buy booze in
stores such as The Beer Store (pretty self explanatory) or LCBO. Not in the
grocery store. We have to make an extra stop.
14. It is Zed, not Zee.
15. Yes, we say Eh and, no, we
do not do in on purpose.
16. It’s Pop, not Soda.
17. A 2-4 is a 24 pack of beer.
Also, our beer is better.
18. It’s a highway, not a
freeway.
19. No, I do not know Joe from
Nova Scotia.
20. A toque is a hat.
21. Majority of our news,
whether it be paper, radio, or internet, is about hockey.
22. 25 degrees Celsius means it
is hot as Satan’s balls, AND WE ARE GOING SWIMMING.
23. Our drinking age is 19…
except in Quebec, where it is 18.
24. We all have an excessive
amount of Canadian Tire money stashed all over our houses.
25. We will never, EVER accept
the new Hockey Night In Canada theme song.
26. We don’t really give a shit
about the summer Olympics.
27. Any beer under 6% is child’s
play.
28. Great Big Sea is the
greatest party band ever,
29. Torontonians are not true
Canadians. They are far too Americanized,
30. Also, Toronto is NOT THE
CAPITAL OF CANADA.
31. Also, Toronto is NOT A
PROVINCE.
32. Ps, we call our states
provinces.
33. We also have territories up
north, just to confuse you more.
34. No, I do not know Susan from
Vancouver.
35. If you live anywhere close
to Quebec, you can understand pretty much all French. And you can speak most of
it… although you butcher it.
36. We have 4 seasons; winter,
fall/construction season, summer/construction season, spring/construction
season.
37. On that note, the closer you
get to Quebec, the more bilingual the signs are. Ottawa is 10000% bilingual.
38. Our Smarties are delicious
chocolate button in different colours, not sweet candies. I prefer to organize
mine in piles of colours and then eat them from least to most favorite colour
to most. Also, it is common knowledge you eat the red ones last.
39. Our national sport is
Lacrosse, not hockey.
40. Although, hockey and
basketball are Canadian, also.
41. Our football (commonly known
as CFL) is LONGER, WIDER, FASTER. Aka our field is longer, wider and have one
less down. Also, we have a lot less players on our team.
42. We wore flannel way before
Seattle.
43. Beaver Tail’s are an Ottawa
institution. Fired batter with cinnamon and sugar. Greatest. Thing. Ever.
44. Poutine is delicious cheese
curd and gravy covered fries. OHM NOM NOM.
45. We do not have Black Friday.
46. We have had to
trick-or-treat with a snowsuit under our Halloween costumes more than once.
47. Our garage doubles as a
freezer in the winter.
48. For parties, we put booze in
the snow banks. Infinite cooler!
49. We call napkins serviettes.
50. We spell it labour, honour
and colour.
51. We wonder why there isn’t a
$5 coin yet.
52. Coffee crisp is a coffee
flavored chocolate bar.
53. We are incredibly picky
about our maple syrup.
54. Tim Horton’s Roll Up The Rim
is the most wonderful time of the year.
55. We don’t call it ice
hockey.. just hockey.
56. Montreal is pronounced
“muntreal”.
57. Toronto is pronounced
“trawna”
58. Timbits are the middle of
the doughnut. They sell them at Tim Horton’s.
59. Montreal smoked meat is
unreal. Sooo good.
60. I know far too many Jeans
from Quebec.
61. We have a Prime Minister,
not a President.
62. We know who your President
is. We actually learn about the rest of the world.
63. Christmas would be weird as
hell if there was no snow.
64. We do not care if we look
like the Michelin man. We have to wear arctic condition jackets and boots to
survive minus 40 snow storms.
65. Fashion is thrown out the
window in the winter. We have no issue wearing snow boots with dressy clothing.
66. Setting your keyboard accidentally
to French and not noticing until you have typed LOADS.
67. We cannot wait to have a
Timmies (a.k.a Tim Horton’s coffee) as soon as we are back in Canada.
68. We didn’t get our national
flag until almost 100 years after we became a country.
69. We have our own Loch Ness
Monster called the Ogopogo who lives in Lake Okanagan in British Columbia.
70. In 1943, Ottawa designated a
hospital room Dutch land for one day so that a Dutch princess could be born in
her native country. As thanks, the Netherlands sends us 1000 tulips every year.
71. George Street in St. John’s
Newfoundland has more bars and pubs per square feet than any street in all of
North America.
72. We have a secret maple syrup
reserve. This is the truth.
73. Dildo, Newfoundland is a
place. Seriously.
74. Our McDonald’s sells a
McLobster… I wouldn’t recommend it.
75. Kiefer Sutherland’s grandpa
brought our country universal health care. THANK YOU JACK BAUER’S GRANDAD!
76. Ottawa is the capital of Canada and is the
second coldest capital in the whole world.
77. There is really no such
thing as Canadian cuisine. We have so much kick ass food from other countries.
Try a shawarma. Best. Food, Ever.
78. Whenever we travel to
another country, people are thrilled when they find out we are Canadian.
79. We will never understand
American money. How do you tell your money apart?!?!?!?
80. We take great pride in the
giant snow banks that accumulate on our streets. We hate it, but the bigger,
the better.
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